Making Waves

If you haven't noticed, I've been avoiding my blog... the past few weeks have been a series of ups and downs - less ups and more downs. I've been having a hard time staying focused and making my life balanced. Yes, I've been losing weight but that's just about the ONLY good thing I've been doing.I am dangerously close to hitting the 150lb weight loss mark (just 2 lbs to go)... a time I should be celebrating but instead, the closer I got to 150, the harder I struggled. I struggled to keep myself focused, i struggled to drop the weight, and I struggled with A LOT of self doubt. 150 is a lot of weight by any one's standards... and I'm very proud that I've worked hard to get here but there are 150 more to go and my mind started questioning if I was strong enough to make it. After all, these past 2 weeks have been hell and if this is what the next 150 have to bring me, I just wasn't sure if I could do it. That self doubt put my train on full speed to fly off track. The scary part about it all is that it really didn't take much for me to get off track - it started with switching my workout routine- I avoided circuit training with the new program EVERY strength training day, and soon I found myself skipping meals, not recording parts of my day in my food journal and yes, I even had a binge on chocolate. I hadn't told anyone I was struggling, not even the person I tell EVERYTHING to, my mom. I felt like i was losing all control and FAST! I kept telling myself I didn't know what to do. I reached my breaking point on Friday, I finally broke my silence. I've felt emotionally raw, totally lost and in a daze so I knew I had to go to the one place I knew I could find clarity... the ocean. I am at peace when I am in the water and that peace gives my soul time to reconnect with my body, it allows me to connect with my inner compass. I noticed something today, No matter how many footprints and pebbles litter the sand, with a little patience the waves always come to wash them away, leaving new sand behind, alot like life. I used to wait for a wave strong enough to come, a wave of recognition of my success from others, a complement, achievement at any cost, to wash away the foot prints and pebbles left by my struggles and challenges. I left the beach today with a strong sense of clarity and direction and a rekindled sense of determination. The next 150 lbs will be hard, but so were the first 150 and I got through it. I don't need to wait any more for a wave to come by and wash them away for me, today I realized I can make my own waves just by trusting myself and my own strength, trusting the process and never losing sight of my inner compass. There will be bumpy days, days that really just suck and its those days that we need to stop standing on the beach waiting for a wave and just make one of our own!