Being Tested part 2

So 18 miles of not having fun has to have you asking yourself -Why in the world would someone chose to do this if it was so awful?! What I'm about to say may have you thinking I'm CRAZY and I kinda am but Despite everything that went wrong today, this was my best run yet! Let me tell you why! My friend couldn't run today but she was there to cheer us on. I look to her for wisdom and guidence when we run because she's done it before, she's a pro and she always knows exactly what to tell me when I need to hear it. Sensing my struggle today, I had a teammate step in her shoes and she told me something that stuck in my head the entire time I wanted to stop, every moment I would get frustraighted at my body, every time I wanted to say FUCK IT I'M DONE! She said " Our worst runs can be the best runs because they test you and when you finish, you know you are mentally and physically strong enough to make it through even under the worst condtions so on race day - everything can go wrong and you'll think about this run and know you can still do it." She was right. It didn't matter that I finished an hour behind what I thought I was going to or that I felt the pain of running, expereibnced less then perfect hydration and nutrition because I made it through and I finished. Though there were many times I wanted to quit, I KNEW I could finish - even if it meant crawling to the end, I knew I had what it took to finish it out and that is a HUGE deal. I was tested today, tested by the conditions, the elements, my body and my mind but I came out of it knowing that everything can go wrong and I can STILL make it to the finish. I talked before about what a big lesson Team in Training has taught me about relying on myself and on others and today was just guilding the lilly on that lesson. For Ally to come cheer me on even if she couldn't run today, for all the words of encouragment from my teammates even as I struggled, for my pacegroup that stuck by me and to my Amazing coaches who I can never say enough great things about, for being there when I needed them, for taking care of me when I needed help - for reminding me to breath THANK YOU! But a special thanks is owed to Jen. Today I was tested in the longest hardest worst run in my life and yet it was the very best run I've ever done because today I found out I can handle it, even when its the worst I still got this! Thanks Jen for reminded me that the worst can be the best in any situation if you look for it!

Being Tested pt 1

I was being tested today in a BIG way! Everything about today's run was off- it started out with me getting to practice to find that two of my fuel bottles were unusable. I still had two left but I knew I needed to be careful with how much I was drinking. In case you haven't notices- I'm fat. Because I weight more, when I run I exert more energy and use up more nutrients then my slender running pals - in some cases I weigh double them! So when it comes to fuel - water, electrolytes calories - I need to consume more then the average joe! Back to my point. I filled my water bottles up at every water stop and even stopped twice at a public fountain for water and it still wasn't enough. Twice the water stop was out of Gatorade which is really important in terms of replacing salt lost. So not only was I running low on water - I now was running low on salt. Insult to injury, it was90 degrees outside today... thank God fall's promised cool weather is here... NOT! That only added to more sweating = more water and salt lost. When I run, I use GU electrolyte gel and it helps me replace calories I've burned off while running and I time it accordingly and I haven't had any problems using it at all, in fact I think it works pretty damn good but by the end, my blood sugar was dropping and I was already dehydrated and it was BAD. So just to keep score so far I'm both dehydrated AND running out of calories. So to add to the list of reasons why 18 miles sucked was i never found my groove! Its a given that the first 4 miles are going to suck, they always do but then my body gets warmed up and I start to feel the running mojo and things become easier... I never got to that point at ALL today. Every mile, from mile one to the very last felt like it was the longest mile I've ever run. I talked about some health issues I have been having- well thought I was having. See previous Blog! So I'm still searching for energy and after mile 2, I felt drained! By mile 13 I was exhausted and my feet were hurting and by mile 14 I was being tested. I was miserable and NOTHING about it was enjoyable. I felt like I had reached as far as I could go - I wanted to stop, I wanted to sit down. We kept going but by this time our pace had come to a crawl and by mile 16 I was having issues with just walking. the effects of dehydration and not enough calories become apparent and by the end of the run, I was shaking and ready to pass out - instead I sat down (HUGE MISTAKE)and all the muscles from my hip to my knee on my left leg seized up and I went into panic mode. I've never felt pain like this in my LIFE - and I've survived a car accident! My coaches rushed to my aid - one massaged my leg with something called "the stick" while another held me up as I was both standing and falling over at the same time and another rushed to get me food and drink to replace my electrolytes. It sounds just awful and if your contemplating ever becoming a runner, the first half of this blog probably isn't a great way to convince you of how great a sport it is... but luckily for you, there's a second part to this blog!

Being a Badass- An update about Lupus - or NOT!

Turns out my Lupus was not the cause of all my mysterious ailments, I had an undetected staph infection ( either from a bugbite or a running blister) which turned into Toxic Shock Syndrome and I had no idea!! First of all I didn't even know it was possible to get TSS from anything other then using tampons, which I don't use but apparently you can get it from staph infections and strep throat too! Anywho, the symptoms of TSS are mild fever, loss of energy, body aches, kidney failure and a rash - symptoms of a lupus flair up mild fever, loss of energy, body aches, kidney failure and a rash. I had all those signs but not even a trained medical professional could tell the difference. It wasn't until last week when a strange new symptom showed up that they could figure out what was going on -all the skin started peeling off my hands! The Dr said it was clear that I had TSS from this infection but that my body had fought it off and healed itself on its own! Peeling of the hands is one of the last stages of healing and apparently I've been sick for 2 months! It explains why my kidney's were showing signs of distress and why on the second test, they were returning to normal function. Now I wasn't worried at all, even after he told me the last stage is for me to lose my hair in a week or two ( I already have a shaved head so it doesn't matter) but when I got home I read some pretty scary stuff saying that 50% of people with TSS die!!! My Dr said it really was amazing that my body was able to heal itself and that I ran the whole time with it. I think its even more amazing that 2 years ago my immune system would have never been strong enough to fight that off itself - wanna know the even better news?! All my other tests came back perfect - blood sugar levels and even with running a marathon and working out, my inflammation rate (which is called a SED rate) was so low, it didn't even register. That means not only is my Lupus under control but that my body is physically able to handle what I've thrown at it. Whats this all mean in terms of training? I'm out of the woods now - no more infection - no fever - no kidney problems, just peeling hands! I feel like I've cheated death alot in my lifetime -especially the last few years and while I kinda feel like that should scare me, it doesn't. It only makes me appreciate life even more. For two months I had a 50/50 chance of waking up and dropping dead and without knowing it, I still was able to push myself to do some pretty amazing things. It makes me think of all my teammates who understand how fleeting life can be and who chose to challenge themselves in spite of it. One of my teammates called me a Badass today for training while being sick but to me, the real badasses are those teammates that have knowingly stared death in the face and fought back, those are the baddasses and they are the ones that inspire me to not sit and contemplate all the close calls in my life but instead get out and celebrate all the greatness!

Its just what I do

I forgot to write about my 15 mile run! Two weeks ago I was getting that anxious feeling that starts Thursday night and lasts all day Friday leading up to a long run. With each added mile I would think " Ok this Sat. may be the day I show up and everyone realizes I am not a marathon runner or even worse... this may be the run I realize I'm not a marathon runner" But each week comes and goes and that little voice of anxiety comes around when I check the running schedule on Thursday. So two weeks ago, I was due for my ritual anxiety when I realized that i was going to run 15 miles... the LONGEST I've ever done ever ( run or walk)- by 2 extra miles. I kept thinking of people who train as long as I have to complete a half marathon and now I was going to do a half marathon PLUS 2 MILES! It freaked me out but like always, I was comforted by my friends and coaches that I was ready for it. Everything started out great just like any other run... then I look down at my running watch and it said 12.98 miles and I started to breath a little faster and trying to calm myself down from the excitement knowing that I was about to pass a big milestone for me. I made it all the way to mile 13.5 feeling pretty good but then I started to feel the emotional weight of what I just did come over my body and there was a flood of feelings and questions that raced through my mind - I could have never done this before, can I do this now? Its a little habit of mine (that I'm trying to break)to go into self doubting and destruction mode whenever I get close to achieving something big. Its those moments when you start to notice how tired you are and how much your feet hurt and I began to slow down more and more and more, not because I needed to but because my emotions were slowing me down. It never seems to fail with Team in Training that when I need something, someone is there to provide it for me- a teammate comes back and says to me "Think about how far you've come and just keep going" - she also told me that I couldn't cry until I finished because it used up energy haha While I wasn't sure if she meant how far I've come in the run that day or in life in general but either way it was great advice because I spent the last mile of my run thinking of every step I've taken to get me to that point and then it was over- I had reached mile 15! I was so overcome with pride of what I've done, of what I did and of what I am going to do that tears welded up in my eyes - and my friend reminded me that I still had energy to run some more if I was crying - my how fast those tears can dry up! So why didn't I write about this massive milestone sooner? Well because its just miles - after that run I've stopped waiting for that moment when everyone realizes I'm not a marathon runner or for the moment when I realize I'm not a marathon runner and once I felt and believed that, 15 was just a number and this week is just 18. If I wasn't physically strong enough, my body would have stopped me long ago and if I wasn't mentally strong enough I would have quit long ago. I forgot to write about the 15 miles because its just a number and I am an endurance runner and its just what I do! :)

Its Not Online!

I woke up this morning pissed at all the people who sit online all day blogging about weight loss and facebooking and tweeting about it and about healthy living but they're only interaction with the world is through the internet... how is that healthy living?!? How does how many people who follow your blog make you an authority on wellness? How can people in one breath say how life changing weight loss is and yet have no real life interactions?!? I mean how many statuses do you read in a day about people going to work out, while they work out and everything after their work outs. Hell even I've thought to myself " gee I can't wait to get home and post this on facebook" That's sick... it isn't healthy. Its the most masturbatory act that is celebrated as selflessness " for being willing to share our journey" I call bullshit. I say its time to step away from the computer and make real connections in life - outside of the blogs and the chat rooms and the facebook friends. If your wondering where this all is coming from, I got an email from someone who complained that I don't participate in online weight loss forums or comment on other peoples blogs and that I give people unrealistic ideas about working out because a normal person cannot work out as much as I do or cook like I do because I have a lot more free time then most people" Which I find really interesting being that I have a full time job and volunteer and am studying for a certification and am in marathon training and am in treatment for Lupus and go to physical therapy for my hip... but clearly I have more time on my hands. And then it occurred to me that this same person that is giving me a hard time, is on facebook ALL THE DAMN TIME. I could totally comment on everyone's blog and be on top of all the forums if I spend all my free time online but I don't because I live in the REAL world where I interact with REAL people and make REAL meaningful relationships because THAT is what health is about - its about turning off your TV, shutting down the computer and LIVING LIFE. And if it seems like I have an abundance of time on my hands, its because I am organized and prioritize my life according to my needs. The average American watches 3 hours of TV a NIGHT! That's 21 hours a week -almost a full day spent sitting in front of the TV. I don't even own a TV. I choose to spend that time doing other activities so the next time you want to send me an email telling me what I'm doing wrong with my life, I suggest to take a step back and look at your own habits. Are you spending your life living online or in front of the TV? Do you rush to tweet about your latest accomplishment before telling your friends or family in person? Are you defining your success by the number of blog hits you get or the number of comments you make? How many real life connections do you have in your life and are they as meaningful as you want them to be? If not, if you find more meaningful connections with complete strangers online, then perhaps that's a good place to start finding some wellness in your life and when you go searching for your answers, here's a little clue... ITS NOT ONLINE!

I'm a Fighter - Its in my Blood!

Well in case you missed it - I have Lupus! I've been diagnosed for years now. For those of you - which will be most- that don't know what the heck Lupus is here is a quick explanation given by the Lupus foundation: Lupus is a chronic, autoimmune disease that can damage any part of the body (skin, joints, and/or organs inside the body). Chronic means that the signs and symptoms tend to last longer than six weeks and often for many years. In lupus, something goes wrong with your immune system, which is the part of the body that fights off viruses, bacteria, and germs ("foreign invaders," like the flu). Normally our immune system produces proteins called antibodies that protect the body from these invaders. Autoimmune means your immune system cannot tell the difference between these foreign invaders and your body’s healthy tissues ("auto" means "self") and creates autoantibodies that attack and destroy healthy tissue. These autoantibodies cause inflammation, pain, and damage in various parts of the body.


What does that all mean? Well it means my body fights itself and lets be honest here, that's no surprise since I've always been a fighter! I've fought against social injustice, against school boards, state legislators, doctors who said I could only lose weight with surgery, neighbors who said I couldn't be a runner and my constant fight against fat. Boxers and aggressive litigator say that fighting is in their blood... me too - but literally! haha Why am I sharing all of this with you? because for over a year now I've been off all the lupus medication and been doing so well. I had very few flair ups and no complications at all. My immune system was on the rebound after being wiped out by all the meds. Now and again I would feel tired or my hair'd start to get a little thin but it'd only last for a few days at most but this past week I've been experiencing the mother of all flair ups and I didn't even recognize it as Lupus ( because physical training has increased and naturally I'd be more tired and sore)but today a new sign popped up that landed me at the Drs and the news wasn't great. I have to be seen by the specialists ASAP and there's some question as to the health of my kidneys right now which totally freaked me out but then I remembered I am a fighter. I do not sit quietly and wait for things to happen in my life, I grab life by the balls and MAKE IT HAPPEN! Yeah the prospect on having to go back on steroids and imunosupressent drugs really sucks but I'll make it work and I'll make it fit into my lifestyle. No matter what the test results say, I plan to fight back hard and strong...because after all fighting is in my blood! :)

Please feel free to check out the links below to learn more about
what is lupus ? http://www.lupus.org/webmodules/webarticlesnet/templates/new_learnunderstanding.aspx?articleid=2232&zoneid=523

How's lupus affect the body?
http://www.lupus.org/webmodules/webarticlesnet/templates/new_learnaffects.aspx?articleid=2268&zoneid=526

Whats the Prognosis for Lupus Peeps? http://www.lupus.org/webmodules/webarticlesnet/templates/new_learnunderstanding.aspx?articleid=2238&zoneid=523