Its just what I do

I forgot to write about my 15 mile run! Two weeks ago I was getting that anxious feeling that starts Thursday night and lasts all day Friday leading up to a long run. With each added mile I would think " Ok this Sat. may be the day I show up and everyone realizes I am not a marathon runner or even worse... this may be the run I realize I'm not a marathon runner" But each week comes and goes and that little voice of anxiety comes around when I check the running schedule on Thursday. So two weeks ago, I was due for my ritual anxiety when I realized that i was going to run 15 miles... the LONGEST I've ever done ever ( run or walk)- by 2 extra miles. I kept thinking of people who train as long as I have to complete a half marathon and now I was going to do a half marathon PLUS 2 MILES! It freaked me out but like always, I was comforted by my friends and coaches that I was ready for it. Everything started out great just like any other run... then I look down at my running watch and it said 12.98 miles and I started to breath a little faster and trying to calm myself down from the excitement knowing that I was about to pass a big milestone for me. I made it all the way to mile 13.5 feeling pretty good but then I started to feel the emotional weight of what I just did come over my body and there was a flood of feelings and questions that raced through my mind - I could have never done this before, can I do this now? Its a little habit of mine (that I'm trying to break)to go into self doubting and destruction mode whenever I get close to achieving something big. Its those moments when you start to notice how tired you are and how much your feet hurt and I began to slow down more and more and more, not because I needed to but because my emotions were slowing me down. It never seems to fail with Team in Training that when I need something, someone is there to provide it for me- a teammate comes back and says to me "Think about how far you've come and just keep going" - she also told me that I couldn't cry until I finished because it used up energy haha While I wasn't sure if she meant how far I've come in the run that day or in life in general but either way it was great advice because I spent the last mile of my run thinking of every step I've taken to get me to that point and then it was over- I had reached mile 15! I was so overcome with pride of what I've done, of what I did and of what I am going to do that tears welded up in my eyes - and my friend reminded me that I still had energy to run some more if I was crying - my how fast those tears can dry up! So why didn't I write about this massive milestone sooner? Well because its just miles - after that run I've stopped waiting for that moment when everyone realizes I'm not a marathon runner or for the moment when I realize I'm not a marathon runner and once I felt and believed that, 15 was just a number and this week is just 18. If I wasn't physically strong enough, my body would have stopped me long ago and if I wasn't mentally strong enough I would have quit long ago. I forgot to write about the 15 miles because its just a number and I am an endurance runner and its just what I do! :)